


Erase, Replace

by Dance_Elle_Dance



Category: Secret Life of the American Teenager (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 09:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4600956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dance_Elle_Dance/pseuds/Dance_Elle_Dance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the back of my mind, I knew that sleeping with Ben wasn't just about revenge. Simply put, it was all about him. (Originally posted on 3/22/10.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erase, Replace

**Author's Note:**

> Re-post of my second BenAdrian fanfic, from Adrian's POV. Set right after they sleep together on the show and she finds out she's pregnant. Because isn't that a running theme on this show? Please enjoy!

I had always been intrigued with him, I supposed.

Ben Boykewich with his large doe eyes and his chivalrous demeanor - which was completely different from the other guys I had met before - was someone I couldn't get out of my mind easily.

Maybe that's why I stayed away from him as best as I could.

Oh, I knew I could've had him any time I wanted. Though he loved Amy, sex was always on his mind, and wasn't that one of the reasons they broke up?

Of course there was Ricky. And I loved Ricky dearly, but…

But…

I'm just horrible, I guess.

I had sex with Ben, when he had just gotten rejected by Amy, when he was vulnerable and desperate and needing comforting. And I just did it. Like that. Just because of the fact that Ricky kissed her. In my opinion, kissing is just as bad. It's still cheating. I don't care if Amy "wanted" Ricky to do it or not. That's not how anything should be.

So I did it.

I admit, Ben isn't my usual type. He's too nice. Too wholesome. Too sincere, caring, and just the complete opposite of whatever I usually go for. But there has always been something about him that has interested me. There was this certain something about his overall _goodness_ that intrigued me. How could someone be that nice and kind and not expect anything in return?

I stayed away from him as best as I could, for several reasons, but only three pop into my mind right off of the bat.

He and Amy were still together at the time I started to actually realize how much I truly was interested in him. But instead of going after him like I usually would, I respected his wishes, not wanting to ruin things for him and Amy. A part of me also did that because if they were together, then Amy and Ricky wouldn't be together…

Ricky. He was the second reason why I had left the kid alone. I loved him, at the time. That's what I told myself. I believed it to my very core, down in my bones, I knew I loved him. Now I wonder if I was just forcing it, forcing it on the both of us. But…no, at one time I really loved him. I believe that myself. I will always believe that in one point in our relationship that I loved him and he loved me.

And then…

The last reason, which is probably the most ridiculous, was the fact that I thought he was too innocent. Too pure and _good_ for someone like me to even touch, let alone taint by just being around them. Sure, you may argue and say that he wanted sex, but that's really just him being a man.

I didn't want to be the one to break his naïve little bubble just by being around him. He'd already been subjected to too much. Going out with a pregnant teenager whose baby wasn't yours wasn't something most people did, and it had taken its toll on him. I remember seeing him for the first time, that innocent, doe-eyed look on his face when he was just starting to date Amy, before he knew what had happened at band camp.

Then, I practically saw him change before my eyes.

It was almost disturbing, how much he had to grow up in such little time.

Being a teenager was about having fun, falling in love, falling out of love, parties, friends, football games, and he had to skip out on all of that. He was a "father" and he wanted to be there for the girl he loved, no matter what. Going so far as to getting them fake-married with even faker-IDs.

It was almost pathetic, that he showered her with such devotion, so sugary sweet that it gave me cavities just watching them at school.

But I didn't do anything. I wanted to keep Ricky, so I didn't bother the two of them at all. But I tried my hardest to keep my mouth shut about Amy's behavior _after_ she had John. She was an outright bitch, to put it lightly. And I'm not saying that just because I don't particularly care for her, I'm just saying what I observe. Because, despite popular opinion, I am quite observant.

I suppose Amy has gotten better since then, but still… I shudder when I think of those months after the baby was born. The night I confronted her about it was something that I treasure, because Ricky was actually on my side about it. Even though she was the mother of his child, he agreed. And I was happy, because maybe that meant I could have Ricky forever.

But things changed.

Drastically, I might add.

I guess it all started when I heard about Ricky and Amy _kissing_.

Since I've been friends with Grace - bless her heart - I've learned that just allowing people to cheat on you and cheating back isn't the way to go about a relationship. I wasn't going to allow this, and somehow, in my mind I got the idea that they slept together as well, because _kissing_ isn't _just kissing_ with Ricky Underwood.

So, then…I decided to hurt us all by doing something that I still regret to this day.

I slept with Ben.

I remember bits and pieces of that night - I've tried not to think about it much, almost to erase what happened. I remember going to his car, and sitting in the passenger's seat. He looked so sad and broken that I was surprised that I was even able to initiate anything with him. I almost didn't want to touch him, he looked so down on himself. But I was set on doing what I came there to do.

I remember his lips on me, kissing and nibbling at certain hot spots that Ricky never seemed to find, no matter how many times we were together like this. I remember his hands, hot and firm, on my body. I remember how _natural_ it felt, and it didn't seem wrong at all, though the intentions behind it were.

Most of all, I remember the look in his eyes. They were tender, and sweet, almost like he was only seeing me. Like all he cared about was me, and I recall the chills that went down my body as he looked in my eyes, seeing things about me that I never wanted anyone to witness. I remember the look he gave me as his wiry arms wrapped around my body and pulled me close. And I remember him kissing the crown of my head and lingering there, as if we weren't in a car, as if we hadn't just betrayed everyone we loved, as if this was what was supposed to have happened.

He and Ricky might have been able to patch up their friendship after that happened, but I don't know what is going to happen now, because I had just dropped the bomb of his life onto his shoulders.

The fact that I was with child.

He had taken it surprisingly well. There were several shocked glances and exclamations coming from him. He looked like he couldn't understand how that could happen, couldn't understand any part of it. Then, his eyes took on that same scary maturity that had occurred when Amy was pregnant, but it was different somehow.

I supposed it was different because of the fact that _he_ was the actual father, and not Ricky.

He had stepped forward and brought me into his arms, whispered promises into my hair about how everything would be okay and that he would take care of me and _our_ baby.

_Our baby._

Those words sounded so strange in my head.

Ben had then given me a kiss on my lips before turning and leaving out the door, to rejoin the wedding that was taking place. How odd that today would be the day that _both_ of the Boykewich men's lives had been changed forever.

We weren't going to tell anyone, not yet. We wouldn't ruin Betty and Leo's moment.

But I felt a tightening in my stomach for when the news did come out. It was a painful coil, twisting and turning with nausea and unease that I knew wasn't the product of the baby for once.

Baby…

Out the window I could see Ben greeting the newly crowned Mr. and Mrs. Boykewich, giving them each a hug after they had shared their first dance, and I felt my heart warm at the sight. I could only imagine what my own parents' wedding would be like, and I felt lighter at the thought.

For a moment, Ben looked back at me, as if knowing that I was still gazing out the window where he left me. A smile curved his lips, I could see that even from this distance. I smiled back, though I didn't know if he could see me or not.

He turned to answer something his dad asked him and I found myself submersed in my thoughts once more, like I had been this whole time.

Everything played back in my mind's eye, like some kind of slideshow of the past few months.

Not wanting to dwell on those thoughts for longer than I wanted, I shook my head and thought one single, solitary name.

_Ben._

It's strange what circumstances that ultimately bring people together. In many people's cases, it was pregnancy. I just never thought I'd be one of _those girls_ that got pregnant when they weren't even out of high school. But for some reason, the fact that it was with Ben, I felt happy, because I knew that little baby would be loved, no matter what happened.

My hands slithered down my silky dress to rest on my stomach, still flat. No sign of a baby bump anywhere, but only Ben and I - and maybe Ashley - knew what was really going on beneath the surface of normalcy.

Closing my eyes, I felt the rays of sunlight stream through the window and warm my face.

Then, looking down at my stomach, where my hands still rested quite comfortably, I allowed a soft smile grace my lips, and let a few tears fall.

I hope it's a girl.


End file.
